Wot, no cheese???

I reallly, really, really, really, realllllllllllllllllly must learn to go "Hmmm yes.." or even.." Maybe..." or "Ahhh yes!"

I've just had a chap phone up about giving us a quote for solar panels..... bless him.... he said

"Good evening Mrs yournameisunpronouncablesoIshallmmumble.... you've shown an interest in solar panels, and I was wondering if I could talk to you about it?"

Oh poor man!! I know nuzzingggg.. absolutely nuzzingggg.. tis the hubs you want.. oh well, hey ho..

"Ahhh yes.. (good start).. well, we've tried experimenting with chicken poop, cat urine soaked pillows and ammonia ridden duvets, but todate... no luck, I'm afraid.."

Silence.... looooooooooooooooong silence...

"Um.. is it my hubs you're wanting to bend the ear off?"

*Nervous chuckle*

"Um, well no, not really, he left his details with us and I'm just phoning to get your permission to use the details..."
"But you phoned us..."

"Well yes, to get your permission"
"But...but.. you used our details without permission to phone us..."

Silence...

"Um yes I did, but I'm asking permission now to use your details to find you the best quote.."

"Don't you think we're capable then, off finding a quote?"

Silence.... file nails whilst waiting....
"NOOooooo, no of course you are, I'm sure you are... umm....."

"Okidoke, tara then!"

Um.. thing is hubs um... he'd left details with solar panel compare site thingy.... I maybe allowed near the phone in June 2010.... maybe... oh dear...!!!

Ahhh children.. *sigh* the gift bestowed on us by the ever fruitful goddess of Fertility.... a pressie that just keeps right on giving.....

Though recent events are adding fuel to my theory that the jinx thingy is genetic and becomes active as puberty approaches........

Dear Ol Dan.... *giggle* he has been working his little socks off at School to make a hat, and yesterday he brought it home... with the biggest grin I've yet to see on a child, he took it out of its tender wrapping of a torn mars bar wrapper... and whilst still in the car, placed it with loving care onto his noggin....

"Look mum!! Look in the mirror!!"

So I looked and peered, and nearly crashed the car, I was trying so so desperately, no to laugh out loud!!!

For there in all his glory sat my son, wearing a very respectable beany type hat, navy blue with yellow stripes, nowt wrong with that....and his initial sewn on the front... but without the surname part of the initial.. he was sat there with the biggest grin, wearing a hat with the world's largest D on it, in vivid red.....! LMAO!!! Ah dear... you gota love 'em... which brings me to Jack....

Jack is 9 and Jack is in love.... the object of his affection is a lovely liitlle gal caled Mary... they haven't yet spoken, in fact the relationship seems to be based on a large amount of staring, looking away hurriedly then going back to staring.... so sweet.... Last night he decided to take matters into his own hands... the torture of staring and not speaking was becoming too much for his young heart to stand.... so he wrote her a letter...

"I really, really like you, would you be my girlfrreind... I won't touch you or anything.."

And he waited with bated breath for the object of his desire to realize that he is the one for her.... trouble is... I sent a letter in to school to about flute lessons.... seems Mary opened the one about flute lessons, and the school secretary ... has a slight smile on her lips.......thank gawd for the Easter hols and a chance for something else to distract from the genetic mutation that is a jinx.... speaking of which.. I hope you all have a wonderful, pagany, dancing with wreathes on yer head Easter... and no shooting the Easter bunny... tis a no no....

I don't know what the heck is going on with the animals in this household....

But I am getting ever closer to forgetting I am a veggie and serving up roast cat, followed by dawg soufflet with chooks and pickle for afters!! Jasper... ahhh Jasper.... the one we thought was ohhhh so sweet and suffering and and needed "Special" care cos he only has three legs... well this blinkin cat is as mad as a March hare!!! Nippier than most things on 6 legs... acts very friendly, and loved up then goes and poops on beds...... not once.. oh no.. once is an accident... not twice.. twice is a phase... three times? Three times is a act of terrorism....!! But!! I think I have him sussed... heh heh heh... or will do when I get a moment to actually breath instead of trying to convince a client I am not responsible for global warming and torrential rainfall.. and that her bog garden will return to resembling something other than the Great lakes.... and then, my dear lil ol Jasper... then the games begin...

He is a sweetheart really... most of the time... ish... kinda......

But first of all, I have to deal with the chooks..... and what are they up to??? Well, we've put a cat flap in for the cats... who look at it and go "Pray... what is this? And you don't really expect us to open the door ourselves do you, woman??? get a grip..." then mosey on off to go poop somewhere other than the litter tray.... so the cat flap is useless then... oh no it's not...!!! it's having alot of use by..... the chickens.... *sigh*

There am I, minding me own beeswax, drawing, singing, doing the odd little foot shuffle under the table.. hear the cat flap go, not once, not three times.. but 6.... and there standing in the kitchen are the new gals.... very bewildered... as was I... turned into a staring competition really, til I jumped up, and scared the heck outta them, and did they squawk about and run to the cat flap?? did they heck.. having used it to get in, they completely forgot of it's existence and did the wall of death round the lounge and kitchen til I could get to the door, fling it open and dive to one side as they all charged out, back into the garden from whence they came.....

The dawg.. well the dawg, has a new fav meal... turns his nose up at his dog food... looking at me as if to say "and this is??????" he would far rather eat .........chicken poo.....

And having enjoyed a little avent garde cookery of the pooey chickeny kind, he then comes back indoors and hurls it back up..... looking a tad mystified as to the sudden onset of this mysterious illness..... stoopid dawg.. oops forgot, that's the chooks name.... *sigh*

I have theory that if I can change his preference from chicken poo to the feline variety , I may be able to kill two birds with one stone. or 10 chooks, 2 cats, one dawg and several mental frogs with a gun, at this rate......

Well... tut you Delia Smith... I am deeply deeply shocked and I really really think you need to have your head put in the stocks and numerous foods from varying nutritional groups, hurled.... What you thinking of woman???

I mean, good grief, how to set the nation back about 30 years, and encourage them to move away from fresh fruit and veg to... I can barely say it... packet mashed potatoes


I really think you should have renamed your book 1001 things to do with packet mashed potatoes.... seems more descriptive of the contents..... were you hit on the head with a football? or what???

I don't normally go off on one re the cooking thing, having had my fair share of er... intersting dishes to put it mildy.. I have enough problems not losing most of the meals I make, due to the time/space worm hole thingy, located in my kitchen.... I now super glue anything I make to the table and keep my beedy eyes on it.....

And I know.. I am about 2 weeks behind everyone else in my disgust n stuff, but there's nothing unusual in that! And I haven't ever used one of her cook books before.. *shock* *horror* in fact,I often get her muddled up with Pam Ayres for some reason .. and whenever I hear her on the radio I expect an entertaining ditty! Such as..

There was an old lady from Crew
Who got in a terrible stew!
She'd lost her black cat
And her budgie, now fancy that!
Then remembered she'd cooked them for Hughhhhhh...

Anyway what has got me steamed up??? Well.. I went to my mate Charilie's for a cuppa yesterday afternoon, then matey Marie turned up and they started going on and on about this cook book... news to me, so I sat there stirring me coffee and chewing on the dog's biccie...(she shouldn't keep them so close to the biccie tin!!) then my ears pricked up when Charlie started saying about getting the right packets of mash for the cake... which confused the heck outta me, so I turned my attention from the dog, to her..
"Um Charlie, why are you putting mash in a cake mix?"
"Well it's in this book here, look! And when you go to the supermarket, you know yo've got the right packet cos there's a little label on it, saying it's the right one!"

"But..but.." stammering now.." charlie you're an excellent cook, you always cook from scratch..why?? WHY???"
"Um.. cos it's so simple and easy!"
"But..but... it's all crud!!! It's all prepackaged, crappedy crap crap!"
"But" she says... getting that aww poor lamb look on her face.." it has a soup recipe with mash and a cake and all sorts, honest Kate it's excellent.."

Soo my wonderful, cooking buddy is now trawling ound the aisles, grabbing the various packets cos she listened to Delia, cos Delia is a wonderful cook, Delia, you can trust.. Delia, knows everything about food, so if she says it, it must be right.... grrrrrrr......

So I would like to present Delia with "the worst idea for a cook book ever" award.. and ... I'm gonna go let out the air from the footie..nerrrrrrr!

*pelts in and grabs nearest tree due to gale force 35967023 winds....*

*realizes she doesn't actually have a tree in the lounge... so sits down and forgets she ever said that......*

They're here!! My super friendly, manic, insane rescued chooky things!! And they are wonderful.... so so tame, best thing I ever did!!! Piccies are um... <--- that way.. nope!! Nope!!!! They're thata way!! -----> oh mosey round a bit, I think they're here somewhere, darned if I know where!!

Though I do feel slightly sorry for them.. I mean, they were kept in awful, awful conditions, each on living on the equivalent of an A4 piece of paper, but they were at least inside..... first day here, gale force winds, torrential rain yadidididadadaaaaaaa and of course, having never come across rain, the whole blinkin daft lot, just stood outside, very still gettign wet, going "Dooohhhh"

So most of saturday and Sunday and Monday, come to think of it, was spent dashing in and out, putting them in their coupy thing, from which they'd all come out bout 2 mins later, with a look of complete bewilderment on their little faces.... *sigh* but they are already laying eggs! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy!! However this has become a bit of a hit and miss affair.... short of attaching a bucket to their butts, I have to go round and play *hunt the egg*. they just drop 'em.. they wander about, squeeze on out wherever they happen to be, and off they go...! And yes, Jags... I have put china eggs in the nest boxes....

Fat lot of good that did! As soon as they spy a neatly positioned bundle of straw, which is my attempt at nest construction ( won't be winning any competetions there.....) they destroy them..! I will be having words later....!!

Right time to...um..well...not saying..!!

I've been thinking.... tis ok, I made sure I was lying down and there were no sharp impliments about....

And I think it must be something to do with a sorta relationship between meself and inanimate objects..... or genetic... me sis is... well verbally challenged seems the most polite way of putting it... *sigh* bless her... if you ever need someone to put their foot in it, she's the gal for you!! I tend to stick to objects, and them doing what they really shouldn't be......

Mr Muppet and me had a long convo last night about why these things keep happening.. cos over the last few days I have had more than my fair share of the quirky, the plain stupid and the plain "huh???"

Yesterday was not a heck of a lot better than the day before, bar the increase in pain levels due to getting bossoms stuck several times in a window... I went to me old couples, and I plugged in me extension lead, plugged in the mower and away I went... excellent... finished with a flourish and a curtsey, went to unplug the mower and.... it wouldn't... they were fused together as one!!! I yanked and I pulled and I stood on one bit and pulled the other, feeling ever more desperate and laughing at the same time, praying hubs wouldn't phone at this exact moment....and then it got worse... out came the lil ol man and saw what was happening... "OOoo I'll help!"

And I'm thinking "NOOOOOOooo NOOooo NOOOoooo!!!!!! You're 83, you have parkinsons and use a stick!!!! NOOOO!! It's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee it'll end sooooooo badly..." So he dropped his stick and hung onto the plug for dear life, and I pretended to pull with all my strength, whilst actually pushing and praying to high heavens the darn plug wouldn't choose this moment to come out....... and thank gawd it didn't... he had a sit, and a coughing fit... and I came up with a cunning plan!! I'd lever it out!!! So I got me car keys.... ah yes, my car keys are now bent...... though the main one still fits in at a weird angle... and the plug was freeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! No idea what happened there! Got home, pootled through the rest of the afternoon, Ma and Pa show up for a coffee and went racing to the drawer in Hubs antique desk to show me Ma how the rag rug is coming along.. slower than a slowthing from slowsville truth be told...... pulled open the draw, dragged it out and watched in horror as the crochet hook rolled veryyyyyyyyyy sloowly around and managed to lodge itself in the one intsy bitsy crack in his desk and jam the drawer.... Oh crap.... oh crappedy crap crap... and I tried jiggling it carefully so he woldn't notice... didn't work....

"Why? I mean why???" he exclaimed.." It's just, I don't know!!! Noone else does this why??????"

"Um... er.. I don't know? Cos I'm special????"

"Do you have any idea as to the texts I get from you?

"Hey babe, I've lost the chickens.."
"Hey honey, I'm locked in a lil ol man's shed"
"Sweeti I'm on a roof and the ladders blown down.."
"Babe the bird bath, I sat on it, it's broken.."
"I've run out of petrol again."
"Sweeti where's the crowbar?"
"I'm locked out of the bedroom"
"I'm locked in the bedroom"
"I'm locked in the bathroom helppp!"
"Can you repair windows?"


The list does um, go on a bit..... still I've yet to tell him I can't open the drawer I keep me clothes in.....sat on the floor, feet astride and i've pulled and pushed and all sorts... think I may well go out for a bit tongiht......

I'm gonna cry!!! I am!! I am!!!! Ok, maybe not, may content meself with just banging me head on the kitchen table..... just blogged then it..well went really!! NO smilies either..hmmm... curiouser and curiouser....

Oooooo there they are!!

I have come to the conclusion that the universe does defintiely get bored.. oh yess.. and when it does it tweeks things.. nothing major, just a little shove, I reckon, to keep it amused for a while longer...... *Rubs shoulder and butt whilst sipping coffee...* I mean, It's only just gone 9 o clock and already....

I got up, threw open the curtains, opened the door and slipped on some chicken poo..... *WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH* Feet in the air, butt in the poo....

wow what a way to go!! I can see the headline now..." Woman hospitalized by chicken poo....." I got up, quickly scouted about, no neighbours.. phew! Went inside, grabbed the bedroom door and..nothing...

pushed.. nope... banged and kicked ..nope... I couldn't get in.. so there I stood there, in me pjama bottoms decoratively covered in chicken poop and no way of gettiing to the shower, clean clothes or anyfink!! OK... a plan is needed....so I backed up and ran and threw meself at the door... and promptly bounced off.... kids woke up with all the noise and one by one we all took turns at trying to open the door, with a very inappropriate ammount of giggling going on behind hands, I have to say...

eventually I came to the conclusion that I'd have to drive the kids to school in me pjamas..... *sigh* which wouldn't be too much of a problem, bar the fact I was wearing the pjama bottoms with the dodgy elastic.... oh excellent, I get to moon the other parents too... *sob!!* I had to get into me bedroom!! So I marched round the house with a chair, whilst holding me bottoms up, and tried to get into the teeny little window open at the top.... head through, shoulders through and.... stuck by me female attributes.... NOooooo!! I then heard a muffled "Mornin Kate!" so I muffled back "Morning Stan"

Thanking the gods that I was hidden behind the garden fence, and he couldn't see me butt wiggling through the window....!! Managed to wiggle out and sat on more chicken poo.....

Right, next step... cry... nope, er.. phone Ol!!!

"ICAN'TGETINTHEBEDROOMORTHEWINDOWANDME
PJAMASAREFALLINGDOWN!!!"
Stunned silence followed by raucous laughter and not alot of advice... after a few mins he calmed down enough to say "Oh dear.. I'll look at it tonight"...TONIGHT????????? No way, no way I am driving to school like this, it had disaster written all over it!! So I pootled off to the garage and got out a screwdriver... and wonder of wonders, I managed to get the door handle off... which left me nothing to open the door with...and a handful of screws...*SOB* Clock ticking here.... right... so I grabbed the kids and we all put our weight onto the door whlst wiggling and jiggling it... and BAM!!!!!! Door flew open, kids took a step back and I didn't... fell into the bedroom and landed in a chicken poo covered heap on the floor.... But I was in!!!! Whooooop! Pelted into the bedroom, flung on some clothes and ran into the bathroom to brush me teeth... brushing away, quite chirpy, then I heard an almighty *CRASHHHHHHHHHHHH* As Daniel fell into to the room via the bedroom window...... oops... may have been wise to mentiont the fact I'd got in?.....

Actually, I've since come to the conclusion, that I may as well streak to school.... just got back and I've had my flies open the entire time.....

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! *Pelts in* How could I forget???? Good grief, must be going senile here.... I forgot the hair brush song!!!! You know the one...that has the depth of a puddle, the meaning of Spot yet makes you wanna screech the words out at the top of your lungs and makes you feel good, just cos.. it does!!!

Anyway, give it a whirl and if you ain't seen the film..er.. oh dear... it's last, and nope, not even gonna check, I'm going to trust in this 'ere alphabetical milarky.... and whoop I do believe me spelling may be worryingly ok.....

I did go take some pics of the garden in Feb, cos I know you've been gasping for them......... long pause.. ahem, but having taken them I realized they were kinda basically Jan with the odd extra, such as me hepaticas are blooming their little socks off, bless 'em.. apricot trees are now blooming and joy of joys and they've gawn and forecast snow....

which, I have to say, is downright inconsiderate of them!!!! It's March, I am now in my spring mindset, I left winter and I ain't going back!!! On the veg front, I've sowed...um.. well everything really.... *blush* got completely carried away and sowed the whole darn lot.. including squash which is wayyyyy too early, but nothing wrong with 10ft squash plants in the lounge.. and um kitchen, er.. probably bathroom and hmmm....loo too....