Wot, no cheese???

.. And a Happy New yearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! *chink* and all that Jazz.. bar for me! For here at The Tardis... tis Christmas Day mark 2!

I got me eldest babies back today! So whoohoooooooooooooooo!! They've opened thier pressies and we've had a dead good day, then I had an attack of child-baiting.... *blush* tis out of my control, really! I never plan it, it just kinda pops up....

Sat round the tea table, talkng and I said.....
"What kinda boxes did you 2 get for Boxing day???" whilst carrying on eating......
Silence.. knives and forks down..
"Eh???" 2 very confused kids say in unison, whilst looking vaguely uncomfortable, confused and a tad worried, it could be said....

"You know, Boxing day, what sort of boxes did you get?" Sip of wine and a curious glance at them....oh this is fun!!

"Mum, we didn't get any boxes..."

"WHAT!!! How did that happen everyone gets a box on Boxing day, good grief why on earth do you think they call it that???" Forgetting my daughter's ridiuclously famous memory...

"Well that was in the Victorian times, mum, when the Victorians gave thier tradesman, and employees, boxes of stuff for good service...." She looks at me very quizzically.....
Lonng sip of wine.....

"Exactly" 'Ive recovered my footing....."And cos we don't do that anymore, you give everyone a box, empty, of course,on Boxing Day to symbolize that..." They're hooked.... heh heh heh

"I got a shoe box.." pipes up Jack
"Oh and I got a cereal box" says Ol..

We carry on munching away whilst the'yre little faces grow really unsure...
"I want a box..!!" Says Dan
"OOoooooooooo I dunno, we had to move house cos your mother kept all her boxes.. that's why the roof is so well insulated.."
Jaws drop, drinks spilt and a general muttering of I shouldhavesavedthemaboxtooanditsnot fair kinda thing... til Mags got home and really, really, really wanted to know where her box was...

Talk about being run over by a juggerthingy!!!!!!!!!!!!

19 pairs of feet, stampeding through the house to the lounge.. drinks shoved down gullets...... steam and sprouts flying everywhere......... wrapping paper being hastily removed from the dog's left nostril.. it was Bedlham!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And.. bloody good fun!!! To top it all, not one person was in any way, shape or form was violently ill from my cooking....!! YAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! (mince pies don't count...) they ate it!!! Sis in law kinda got the better of me though... think she sussed on to the nut roast plot... and very ostentatiously brought a nut roast for me and hubs ! LOL!! So I hid her turkey til she yelled submit and I released her from the head lock...

A wonderful Christmas had by all, I hope, Boxing Day was the normal....."Oh..I'msorryIdidn'trealizetodaywasn'ttherightdaytoemptythebedroomfurnitureintothehall".. kinda day......
especially since we were due at me Ma's in about 15 mins... *oops!* but when something needs rearranging, it needs rearrangin'! Tis the Universe's way of keeping things...er... intersting... honest.. no, really... uh huh..tis!!
So.. after a completely mad 2 days of running about, peeling, wrapping, laughing, drinking, eating, apologising...apologising.. hiding.. apologising... we got to last night, when I just wanted to curl up with me pink pig hot water bottle and get some snoozles...all warm, toasty and relaxed......... *snuggle* then, I heard... "OOoooooo..oo...ooooooo..OOo..oooooOOO"

...and I lay there and ..nothing... eyes movin bout the room.....nothing.... rolled over, content smile on me lips, cuddled down and.."OOo..OooooooooOOOOooo..ooooOOOOoooo" ...

Sat bolt upright and turned on the lamp... looked left...middle... to the right... nothing.........Hmmmm, then I spied hub's pressie I got him..um.........well it was a clanger hot water bottle...and I didn't realize that it had one of these stupid press and noise thingamijips!!!!!!! Every time I had been wriggling and cuddling down, I'd be setting the blinkin thing off!!! Scared the bejesus outta me... not now though..... heh heh heh heh....

OOO and I made a gourd in the shape of a hooooooooge phallic symbol!! Tis Art, don't you know....

*Pelts in*

I've got mince pies in the oven, flan on the ceiling, dog eating..um.. not sure... Been on a walk, was bootiful, lovely sunny, then eeri fog... think that's it.. *thinks* Yup!! Gotta runnnnnnnnn!! OOooo piccies, that way..------->

Cos I feel about as Chrismassy as a penguin in a microwave.. so bah Humbug!!

I've had an earache since Sat night.. nothing unusual in that, I hear you mutter... nope not a thing.. got an appointment with the Doc and he says "Oooo it's not an earache you've got trnsgssomething neuralgia.." (crap forgot it already and Ratty only just found it for me.. *sigh*) so I say "Oh that's ok I'll stick with the ear ache thingy, tis fine, I really don't need something weird this time of the year, ta everso..." Sat there with happy, hopeful, denial grin....I JUST WANT SOMETHING NORMAL FOR ONCE!!!! I doooo!! I doooo!! The finger thingy, couldn't just be a trapped nerve, oh no, cos it couldn't it had to be an "Oooooooooo how interesting, scuse us while we cut you from stem to turn to mend this one..." and I know!! I know I'm feeling sorry for meself, I know there are 50 squillion people out there in a far worse off state than me! So don't!! I'm allowed for 5mins... cos it says so in me rule book so neer...

Anyhoo he's put me on this antifitting druggy milarky, which is all well and good, but as was pointed out to me, it does slow me brain up, and that is not a place I want to be! Or anyone, come to think of it, who lives in a 10 mile radius....it's bad enough at the best of times, let alone having it go on a go slow regime...! I took one yesterday and ended up waking up bout 4 hours later.. which was pain free, I guess, if you're bein picky! And feels ok at the min, just a dull ache, but when it hits, blinkin heck, someone just cut me head orf, pleaseeeeeeee.. ! And tonight, oh joy of joys we have the school disco.. I'm figuring I may well go into overdrive and have all the drugs supplied, and a few brandies, then I won't give a poop what strikes when! Not much of a plan, but least I got one!!

Chrissy day should be interstin, 19 comin round for feasting and merriment, I'm a tad concerened they may well end up with a slap and a mince pie in their faces at the mo...but who knows, I will look on the bright side, I bloody well will! It may well be gone by then, and I can return to that special place of mine, filled with skippy lambs, fluffy clouds, spinnin and of course, chheeeeeeeeeeeeeeseeeee!!

ANd if I don't catch you before, I truly hope you have a wonderful, whacky, famdabadoooooooozie Christmas, cos I will, where there's a plan, however crap, there is an intention to not throw mince pies.. ma, you're safe..ish.. probably...

Blimey, me piccies are slipping!!

wow.. didn't reckon on gravity in 'ere... *note to self, adjust thesis on gravitational pulll*

Well tis nearly the good ol Yule tide season, and I have now perfected my simple yet cunning plan on how to have nooo stress at Christmas!!! Cos I was! The thought of having 19 sat round me table expecting gawd knows what to come out the cooker, was leading to cold sweats at night and much gibbering... then I think I went into overload, round about the 100th call from me ma..with "Have you??" or "Will you?" or "Should you really??" I wa shaking even when the phone even thought about ringing, let alone when the darned thing acutally shrilled at me... so I got to the point where I was just saying "Yes" "No" "Maybe" "fine" " I promise I won't" and I realized that my repsonses to Ma's questions were acutally of no importance whatsoever!!!!! Hurrah!! I can just mumble, and nod and agree or not as the question arises.. tis remarkably freeing... just got a call "Shall I pick up the sprouts or will you be getting them..?" Answer " Yes it might well rain..." And off she goes happy as a pig in poo, convinced all will go to plan.. poor little soul..

I can hardly blame here.. my history of christmas entertaining has been colurful to say the least.... There was the time when I was on me own with 2 nippers and me sis was on her own with 2 nippers, cos her ex was spending the day with PC shagalot of the yard... you know the type... Nooo cos I don't want commitment... marriage? Nooooooo cos not... Babies??? Nooooooo... saying "I am but a humble sex slave for your use only and this will never change..." Gullible berk...there he now sits with Mistress shagalot heavily pregnant with kiddie no 2 and resembling more of a sour, distrusting wife... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! .. Pardon me, went off on one there for a min... where was I..? Um.. oh yes, sis for lunch.. and I screwed it up so badly we had Pizza for lunch then ice cream cos I'd managed to put a 10"layer of marzipan round the chrisssy cake.. well, I don't like the blinkin stuff, so how was I supposed to know.... and occasionally.. oh ok, quite often I get me times and days muddled up.. so I turn up On chrissy day, kids in tow when we wwere due Boxing day.. arrive at 11 when we're due at 4... go to my Bro's when we're due at me sis.. so I guess I'd best pardon me Ma her little, well, worries seems the best word! But fear yea not! Tis all in hand!!! Kinda.... not sure which nuts are the best for raosting.... they all still think they're having nut roast, so I will commence proceedings with a burnt walnut and mushy peas, stand back with a dead proud look on me face, then raise me mother up from the floor..... ;-)

Whoohooooooooooooo!! I'm celebrating cos I finally finished the swimming pool project, which means I can finally get paid! Bout blinkin time... and, having had a erm..er.. guess you'd say heated debate... about how designing is just like Alan Titmarsh when he did that programme, and changed a garden in bout 30 mins... I beg to differ, majorly!!! Cos it's not! So neer! Much as he is or was, since he started writing crappy romance novels *sigh*, a gardening icon of min, he did a major thing in getting people interested in their gardens and blessed decking, long may that not last... but he also gave people the impression that you could poolte along to someone's garden, srcibble on the back of an old fag pack, then go "Daah dahhhhhhhh!!!!".. it ain't like that!!! Firstly you have to persuade them to give you the project, then you gotta work out how much they know bout gardening and all sorts of stuff... then go round checking the site, so if you decide to putin a pond or sommat, you're not gonna cause the Niagra Falls round the neighbourhood, having gone through the water mains..... it is really hard work.. honest injun it is! You gotta measure everything in the garden, then things you hadn't thought of, then go back 4 times cos you forgot that one measuremnt you needed..Then there's the 3 million soil samples, then there's the "Ohh I love that, but can you change that?" which involes another 14 hours of measuring, stomping and growling.... but these clients are wonderful. They know what they want, they have the funds, and boy. do they have the funds!! And I know I can get away with a design that is kinda difficult to maintain, cos the man who's their gardener, is also a mate of mine, swears like a trooper and is also a tree surgeon! Who did beg me for something really low maintenance.... I can feel a kick coming on...


Then there's the planting plan, which can literally take days and days of pouring over books... the one you're thinking of may not like being in seas salt for 10 months of the year... and a 1" high alpine, beautiful though it is, will get kinda lost ina 3 acre stie...

Anyhoo, here's the garden and a couple of the plans for them, and I ain't no artist, remember, I do the technical bits..... ish..kinda... thank gawd for disclaimers!!! The arty farty bit at the end is for Mr Client, cos bless his cottons, he seems to have no eidetic memory at all, and just cannot envisage these trees... and short of building them outta paper mashe, figured an attempt at how they should look, may be warranted... or confuse him, more... goodness knows!! LOL!! Just previewed this, by eck they're intsy!!! LOL! No idea how to blow them up, soooo.. I'm not gonna!!

Cars... weird things... in fact they became really weird to me today.. think it may be brain over activity....

There I was, pootling along, minding me own bees wax and... I had a thought... was a scary one.... it went something along the lines of..." OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! *(&(*^&%^%(*&^!!!!!! I am sat in a tin box, perched on top of 4 bits of rubber, hurtling along at 60 mph on a very, very hard surface...!!! *(^(^%(%("!!!!" Never really occurred to me before and then when you add in that all those about me are also hurtling along at various speeds in very similar tin cans... OOOOooooooooooooooooo!!! Then I managed to switch the thought paths to "How did I get here???!!! I don't remeber driving here at all!!!!" It was one of those occasions where you remember getting in the car, starting the car, and the next thing you know you're at your destination with absolutely no recollection of the journey you took to get there!! Then there's the journey that you never actually expected to take!!! Numerous times I've got in the car intending to go to one place and ended up on the other side of the county, cos I completely forgot where I was going and just pootled along, admirng the countryside and belting out some obscuresong at the top of me lungs........This combined with the tin can revelation got me thinking more bout um.. well.. the universe... and cheese, obviously, cos the two are inistricably linked.. ohhh yes....

I turned to hubs, Physics techer, and enquired if it were really the case that we were hurtling through the universe at break neck speed... "Oh yes" he replied. ok then why aren't we all grabbing on to stuff and looking like our faces have been squished onto a window??????? Lengthy explanation.. right... prove it... silence, "its a formula, Newton's"... hmmm... prove it... "well, since everything is hurtling along at the same speed there is nothing to compare to show that you're hurtling on at the same speed."... penny is slowly dropping.. and after a lengthy chat about my inner ear and various other bodily fluids, I think I got it.... still reckon the answer to the universe is spinning... mark my words... oh yes.. tis spinning!!

Soooo next tme you're just pootling along in your car... just remember that not only are you hurtling along at about 60 in a small tin box on 4 rubbery things, but you are also screeching through space, whilst spiining at 1000s of miles an hour.....!!!!!

Right off, to go insulate Perkin's bolt hole.... he's getting a tad noisey *sigh* but I have a plan!!! I'm gonna put the little coup into the big shed!! And that should muffle him... please... dear gawd or I reckon hubs will string me up on the washing line along with various chooks...*gulp*

I tell ya! That chicken of mine is sooo not gonna get laid... never seen anything quite so stoopid as his morning flirt with the gals..... he comes outta his coop like a rat up a drain pipe, bombs roud to the girls and proceeds to..... scare the bejesus out of them with his, oh so perculiar "Dance of the wonky wing" routine.... he runs up to them, screeches to a halt 5 cm from their beaks, runs away, does a little fooot shuffle, wiggles one wing, goes round and round in circles, srceeches to a halt in front of them and then off it goes again.... lol bless him, they are looking at him with something that's across between pure amazement, a hidden giggle and a "Wot the blinkin heck are you doing????" He's not gonna get his sugar from them girls, I can tell you.....

And I had an excellent plan for the garden.. dead chuffed, found it in a gardening mag... an all singing, all dancing buggy, small critters house... so I went pelting up to hubs and said... "I wanna make one of these!!!" Hoooge grin.... look of terror on his face, but I'm used to it... "What is it?" he asks in a befuddled way.." OH tis a house for a sloth!" declares I...silence... loong silence.." SO you want me... to help you build a house for a sloth in the garden...?" he says looking at me dead excited face.." Yes please!" Grin.. silence... "Why are we making a house for a sloth?" I had a thunk, is the man mad??? Doesn't he know why? "Well.. they need somewhere to hibernate in the winter, of course and there isn't really many places round here for a sloth to hibernate.." Thinking, dufus..... "A sloth house.. A SLOTH HOUSE!!!! Goodness sake woman, how many sloths have you ever seen in our garden???" Penny crashes, penny dropped and dropped and dropped..."Um.. can you help me make a house for slow worms please..." and run away to hide and giggle for about 4 hours.... He still hasn't let me forget it... keeps marching bout the place with a hammer, sniggering saying he's off to build a sloth house....